Uma! What up?

An open letter/email/blog to my long, lost, (nearly) identical twin sister.

Dear Ms. Uma Thurman,

I know this information may come as a shock to you, and I would rather tell you this in person, but I don’t know how to reach you. I thought I would share this information with the 3 people that occasionally read my blog, in hopes that they might know how I might contact you.

OK, so here it is. You might want to sit down for this. You see, I was watching Kill Bill: Volume I the other night and hit me – WE HAVE THE SAME LAST NAME! Now, obviously lots of people have the same last name, but, then I looked closer at some of your pictures online, and we could be identical twins. Check it out:

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Right!? If it weren’t for the fact that you’re a woman, have more hair, and your teeth are white and straight, you wouldn’t be able to tell us apart! We must have been separated at birth. I called our Mom, just now, and of course, she denied it. But I could tell she was hiding something. I think she may be embarrassed and not a little disappointed that she gave the wrong one of us up for adoption. Regardless, you appear to have done very well for yourself.

If there is anything…and I mean anything, I can do for you please let me know. I’m sure you feel the same. So, I’d like to ask you for a little favor. I noticed that you’re pretty chummy with this Quentin Tarantino guy.

Believe me, I know how the media and the paparazzi can blow things out of proportion. People take my picture without asking me all the time! Drives me nuts! Here’s the thing. You’ve probably heard of a book I wrote. It’s entitled Suicide By Everest, and it’s kind of a big deal in certain circles. (It’s ranked #3 in Goodreads Listopia category: Books With Mountains on the Cover). Anyway, some of my fans have been asking when the movie is going to come out, and I don’t know what to tell them.

I’ve started making some inquiries, I’ve written a blog that is an open invitation for him to contact me, and I’ve got my people trying to connect with his people, but as you know, Hollywood is not about what you know, it’s who you know…am I right? So, Dear Sister, could you give Q a call for me? Or, if you’re uncomfortable with that, send me his phone number, and/or email address, I’ll do the rest. Leave the info in the comment section below.

OH! I almost forgot, there is a perfect part for you in the movie. The protagonist’s Mother. The beautiful Edna Abigail Pearce Young. Unfortunately she dies (spoiler) pretty early in the book, but we can work in some dream sequences or something. I’m sure Q and I can come up with something.

Hey, I gotta wrap this up but I look forward to hearing from you. Let’s do lunch or something.

All the best. Your identical twin brother….Scott Thurman